Looking back over my lifes journey for the past few years and even the past few months, I have gained wisdom in some areas, made mistakes in others and still have decisions to make in even more areas of life. I notice trends throughout my life, that though I did not know what was happening in my life or where I was going then. Relating my life to a piece of art, when I look back I can see the patterns and strokes I made as my life's painting was and is still being created. When talking with Professor Mazellan from Indiana Wesleyan University after graduation, he made the remark that he noticed that I seem to walk in the "providence of God".  I have found this to be true. I never seem to know much about my future, but without groveling or badgering God, He lets me know the next step in my journey right when I need it. This has built my faith about life and has freed me from worries about my future. I am not always patient, but when I know something is going to happen, it usually does. My job is to wait patiently and continue in the task He set before me, until the time is to transition to something else. I feel like that time is now again, I am continuing in what I have before me, waiting for the next step to appear. I know what it will be, but then when and hows are not spelled out yet. It is not disconcerting to me as it has been in the past, but rather exciting. God's providence is a comfortable place to be.

Another thing I noticed as I listened to my ipod today (my beautiful new 64 gig ipod touch!), there were some lyrics I used to relate to very much and now, I find that I don't anymore. This is very interesting to me - the lyrics are to the song "Reflections" by Christina Aguilera, from the movie Mulan. These are the parts I related to:

Look at me you may think you see who I really am but you'll never know me
Every day it's as if I play a part
Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart

I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart and what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart and be loved for who I am

Must I pretend that I'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I felt like this in college, when I was doing the cliche "trying to find myself" journey, going from church to church - until I settled on one - experimenting with majors and classes I liked or didn't like (I added a second major in college after my first year), etc. When I decided who I wanted to be and what I enjoyed or was passionate about, I found some people understood and others didn't. I very passionately loved art and wanted to use it to serve God somehow. My professor's were very encouraging but I found those close to me didn't always share the enthusiasm or understanding. I did feel like I had to hide my beliefs and some of my passion from the world becuase they saw it a silly or over zealous or naive. I knew though that someday I would learn how to leave my mark, show the world exactly what I believe and why. I also knew I would find a place where I am loved for who I am. I feel like I have finally found that place and group that I truly belong and am loved. I'm not saying everyone who I've ever been around hasn't loved me because I have had some true friends. I just feel now like the ones that do care are still in my life and still showing it. My journey at UGST was "healing" to me in that it allowed me to find my place in this world, reinforce my purpose, and give me what I need to go on my way. Derrick is a new person in my life that has brought me great comfort and peace in the midst of everything. He has been a solid rock for me (not like Christ, of course) over the past year and is very dependable.

This blog entry is not as "deep" or eloquent as I desired, as my brain was moving too fast for my fingers to keep up, but I wanted to share words of encouragement to all those out there who might read this. Life is good, God is better, and walking with Him is the best thing in the world. The many blessings you stumble upon like a companion who loves me with his whole heart and makes me happy, and friends that are more like family, are so wonderful that words cannot describe it. For me life is truly good and blessed. No matter what comes my way, it is hard to see it as anything else.

Soli Deo Gloria

- Laura

"And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. 'Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven.' " (Matthew 10:30-32)